Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Today is her birthday

I ponder her fate.
Wishing flickering candles lit her face.
I wonder if she’s safe.
Hoping joyful songs fill her space.
I pray for her sake.
Remembering her makes me ache.
Where has this little girl gone?

She was known to us as...
Catalina Theresa

Adoption and fostering to adopt each have great pitfalls. They come with no guarantees or promises. You step into each process with a giant leap of faith. You give up time, energy, funds and ultimately control in your quest to become a parent.

Our family’s story ended in happiness. It was a long hard path but a path filled with life lessons. Our story overflowed with joy and grief simultaneously. It was the most enlightening journey we have ever taken.

Looking back, we do not know how we endured all that came our way. In the aftermath of our first loss, we remained in fog for many months. Our life was frozen in time and insurmountable grief. We shuttered our life and became reclusive. Friends wandered away unable to understand our circumstances. It was the greatest loss we have ever experience. It was the loss of our child.

I write this for all those who have experienced this particular type of grief. It’s a loss that is hard for friends and family to wrap their arms around. This is a loss that adoption and foster care agencies look at with a blind eye. It leaves the grief stricken without a place to turn.

We had a daughter for a brief moment. We prayed for her before she was born and continue to hope God’s Grace shines upon her.

The road behind us is our other blog. We used it as a dumping ground for our adoption failures. We open the pages to give perspective to those experiencing the trauma of adoption disruption. The road was rough but we would not have our son if we did not make the entire journey.

In the hospital minutes after Catalina was born.
June 8, 2009 at 7:19 p.m.


Mark said...

So I just visited your other blog. I didn't know any of this. So sad. We have friends that had a "gayby" shower last month for their son who is due right about now. The Mother changed her mind three weeks ago. It would have been their first child. Although we have had a failed adoption in the past, we never held the child which is probably a good thing. That would have been hard had we done so. And because of that failed adoption, we have Claire. Could you imagine us without her? And now, you have your son so it was meant to be.
Also, I wish you would write like more like you did in your other blog. I'm glad that you shared this. m.

Mickey said...

What Mark said. I love the photos, but I wish you would write more because I love reading whatever you have to say, even the comments on my blog.

I am so sorry to read this. You look so happy with baby Catalina and I can only imagine the heartbreak you both experienced...

No doubt Brace was worth every moment of frustration and grief.

RB said...

Lovely. I often think of the son that was almost ours and pray for him often. He is thought of on each of his birthdays (he's 2 now)and probably will never know that these 2 strangers love him.