Dear Mara Rigge (Mara aka Mommy),

Thank you for following Daddy Times Two and taking the time to comment on  my recent post, National Adoption Day .  I greatly appreciate you sharing your point of view.  I encourage you to comment more often as I would like to gain more insight into your personal perspective on adoption.  In addition, I want to know how you fit into the adoption triad.  Are you a adoptee, adoptive parent, birthmother or any combination of the above? 

As for me, the adoptive process has encompassed and shaped my entire life. It has made me who I am today. Adoption saved my son and me from unstable surroundings and endless poverty. I thank my parents for loving me, my son's birthmother/my birthmother for relinquishing us and God for his divine intervention. In addition, I thank the courts and legal system for protecting my son and me from a disruption during or after our adoptive proceedings.

The following list details my interactions with the adoptive process over the course of my life:

• I was adopted at birth through a closed adoption
• I was reunited with my birth parents
• I have buried my Father, Mother and Birthmother 
• I have assisted in reuniting many adoptees and birthmothers
• My partner and I personally experienced the loss of a child through our adoption journey
• We held our adopted son minutes after he was born
• Our family maintains an open adoption agreement with with our son's Birthmother and maternal biological family
• Our family continues to have direct contact with my son's Birthmother

I have come to realize, through the years, that a birth certificate or name does not define me.  It is life's experiences and the people that surround me that shape my world.  I did not ask to be thrown into the world of adoption. It was my fate! I am grateful for every place adoption has lead me.

The most important thing I have learned from my experience is to mindful of Pandora's box.  Original birth certificates and reunions do not bring personal peace.  In actuality, these two things can greatly complicate lives and bring waves of grief.

I wish you well on your personal adoption journey... regardless of the role you have been cast.  I respect you opinion but be mindful that your journey belongs solely to you.  Remember to tread lightly on the path of others.  It is not your place to tell their story or steal their joy. 

Best regards,
Brandon

FYI... viewers/followers can read Mara Rigge's original comment in the highlighted portion below.

"Every time a child is adopted, his/her original birth certificate (the child's truthful documentation of birth) is permanently sealed. He/she is issued a falsified birth certificate called an "amended birth certificate" that lists the adoptive parents as the child's biological parents. This falsifying of an innocent, voiceless child's birth record is discrimination and should be illegal. Do the children know they will NEVER be allowed to possess their truthful birth certificates? Average Joe's serve hard time in federal prison for falsifying identity documents, yet it is done legally all over this country in vital records' offices with the permission of judges and barbaric, antiquated state laws. The United States Constitution is violated every single time a person's birth certificate is sealed and falsified."

Today is her birthday

I ponder her fate.

Wishing flickering candles lit her face.

I wonder if she’s safe.

Hoping joyful songs fill her space.

I pray for her sake.

Remembering her makes me ache.

Where has this little girl gone?

She was known to us as...
Catalina Theresa

Adoption and fostering to adopt each have great pitfalls. They come with no guarantees or promises. You step into each process with a giant leap of faith. You give up time, energy, funds and ultimately control in your quest to become a parent.

Our family’s story ended in happiness. It was a long hard path but a path filled with life lessons. Our story overflowed with joy and grief simultaneously. It was the most enlightening journey we have ever taken.

Looking back, we do not know how we endured all that came our way. In the aftermath of our first loss, we remained in fog for many months. Our life was frozen in time and insurmountable grief. We shuttered our life and became reclusive. Friends wandered away unable to understand our circumstances. It was the greatest loss we have ever experience. It was the loss of our child.

I write this for all those who have experienced this particular type of grief. It’s a loss that is hard for friends and family to wrap their arms around. This is a loss that adoption and foster care agencies look at with a blind eye. It leaves the grief stricken without a place to turn.

We had a daughter for a brief moment. We prayed for her before she was born and continue to hope God’s Grace shines upon her.

The road behind us is our other blog. We used it as a dumping ground for our adoption failures. We open the pages to give perspective to those experiencing the trauma of adoption disruption. The road was rough but we would not have our son if we did not make the entire journey.
http://theroadbehindus.blogspot.com/

In the hospital minutes after Catalina was born.

June 8, 2009 at 7:19 p.m.

Birth Family Visit

Brase, Daddy, Mommy and Papi'

 Brase and Mommy

 Brase and Jada 
(Brases's first cousin)

Jada and Aunt Tiffany

A day with Mommy...

Today, we spent the day with Liza at the

Houston Zoo and Japanese Garden.

Happy Mother's Day 2010!

This was the first time we have seen Brase's mother since his birth. We had a lovely lunch that stretched into late evening. Happy Mother's Day Liza! Thank you for giving us such an amazing and beautiful son.

Mother's Day Gifts

Cherry wood finished box with personalized tile photo insert.

Sepia photo of Brase in antiqued gold Frame.

Brase's first baby shoes filled this custom made box.

The box measures 5½ inches square and 2¼ inches deep, and the hinged lid features a glossy 4½ inch square photo tile. Order your custom wooden box via the link below!
http://photo.walgreens.com/walgreens/info1/prd=KeepsakeBox/prdtype=Photogift;PHOTOTHIS(KeepsakeBox_cb/isfrom=_xffwalgreens_xffrevieworderstore

In the beginning...

These are a few photos of of Liza and us. We had a wonderful time getting to know each other in the months prior to our son's birth. Jose and I considered this time together to be very special. Liza is and will always be part of our family.

Birth Mothers

Yesterday we attended a fashion show and vendor fair sponsored by our adoption agency. Event proceeds will assist the Birth Parent Educational Fund. This special fund has granted over $50,000 in educational scholarships to Birth Parents that have placed a child through Family to Family Adoptions. Kudos to Jennifer O’Leary, LBSW for putting on a wonderful event!

Let me remind you that I (Brandon) was adopted at birth and as an adult found my Birth Mother. Because of this, supportive services for Birth Mothers are very important to me. With that being said... I have written some of my thoughts below regarding this matter.

Over the years I (Brandon) have worked with many Birth Mothers. I assisted other adult adoptees with searches after my reunion. During this time, I got to know many Birth Mothers and I found their stories to be fascinating.

Open adoptions were unheard of when I was adopted. I was brought up in an era of sealed records and minimal post adoptive services. In those years, Birth Mothers were told to forget about their babies and move forward with new lives. I found this to be tragic because a Birth Mother never stops caring about her child. The Birth Mothers I worked with always asked the same haunting questions, "Is my child alive and was my child loved."

Adoption has come a long way regarding the treatment of Birth Mothers. Still adoption agencies are not all created equal when it comes to this matter. It was important for us to find an adoption agency that could assist with our parenting goals and meet the needs of our potential Birth Mother. We wanted to find an agency that was concerned about our Birth Mother's long term emotional well being.

We feel fortunate to have found an agency that prides itself on caring for Birth Mothers. During pregnancy housing is provided for birth families, transportation is arranged, monetary assistance is given, educational opportunities are offered and licensed counseling is available. Post adoptive services include agency supported scholarships and lifelong emotional support.

My past experiences have given me an unusual perception in regards to my future child's adoption. I have witnessed the loss Birth Mothers experience and personally faced the complexity of being adopted. This is why I am committed to having an adopted family that includes our child's Birth Mother.

Jose and I clearly understand the task that has been given to us as we grow our family through adoption. We know we are not just randomly having a child enter our life but are participating with a Birth Family as a child develops and matures. A Birth Parent is an essential part of a child's life and an important part of our life together as an adoptive family. We look forward to including our child's Birth Parents in our expanding family.

Our thoughts on Open Adoption...

Dear Birth Parents,

We welcome you into our life. We look forward to including you as we walk beside our child with life's mysteries unfolding and dreams coming true. Please understand, the words "our child" includes you. Our child will always be apart of you and you will forever be apart of our family.

The words above have been extracted from a book we are creating for our potential birth parents. It is our hope to have birth parents that are willing to be openly engaged in our child’s future.

We believe that birth parents can play a vital role in the life of an adopted child. This can be a healthy relationship that allows a child to explore his or her biological and culture history. Birth parents can also give a child unconditional love and support. We believe in the theory that it takes a village to raise a child. In our view, birth parents are part of the village. The goal of adoption is to provide a child with a loving home and resources for future success. Birth parents are an additional resource that should be relied upon.

Birth parents are chief health information officers. Their updated biological health information can provide great in site into developmental issues and illnesses throughout life. In some cases, birth parents are the only resource for life saving therapies requiring donors.

Every adoption is different and each can have many facets. All parties must be responsible and willing to honor original agreements and adoption plans. Most importantly, insecurities and fear should be set aside for the benefit of the child. When a adoptive child has unanswerable questions about their heritage and beginning original agreements are of little consequence.

The world of adoption is very different from that of many years ago. It is different from the adoptive world I (Brandon) grew up in. More choices are available to all parties involved in the process. Jose' and I are proud to be participating in the growing change that is Open Adoption.