Today is her birthday

I ponder her fate.

Wishing flickering candles lit her face.

I wonder if she’s safe.

Hoping joyful songs fill her space.

I pray for her sake.

Remembering her makes me ache.

Where has this little girl gone?

She was known to us as...
Catalina Theresa

Adoption and fostering to adopt each have great pitfalls. They come with no guarantees or promises. You step into each process with a giant leap of faith. You give up time, energy, funds and ultimately control in your quest to become a parent.

Our family’s story ended in happiness. It was a long hard path but a path filled with life lessons. Our story overflowed with joy and grief simultaneously. It was the most enlightening journey we have ever taken.

Looking back, we do not know how we endured all that came our way. In the aftermath of our first loss, we remained in fog for many months. Our life was frozen in time and insurmountable grief. We shuttered our life and became reclusive. Friends wandered away unable to understand our circumstances. It was the greatest loss we have ever experience. It was the loss of our child.

I write this for all those who have experienced this particular type of grief. It’s a loss that is hard for friends and family to wrap their arms around. This is a loss that adoption and foster care agencies look at with a blind eye. It leaves the grief stricken without a place to turn.

We had a daughter for a brief moment. We prayed for her before she was born and continue to hope God’s Grace shines upon her.

The road behind us is our other blog. We used it as a dumping ground for our adoption failures. We open the pages to give perspective to those experiencing the trauma of adoption disruption. The road was rough but we would not have our son if we did not make the entire journey.
http://theroadbehindus.blogspot.com/

In the hospital minutes after Catalina was born.

June 8, 2009 at 7:19 p.m.

Adoption Agency - Media Clip

Attached is a media clip that recently aired about our adoption agency. Family to Family Adoptions Inc. is a wonderful agency that cares for adoptive families and birthparents.

http://www.click2houston.com/video/23094873/index.html

Marching on...

Our adoption agency continues to encourage us through emails and conversations. They use phrases like, “It will happen soon” or “It will happen for you.” Regardless of these broad statements, we are disappointed and frustrated. Yes, once again we were not chosen.

We continue to repeat the words, “keep the faith.” This is a constant mantra in our life. We hear these 3 words in our heads and from everyone around us. Despite these positive thoughts, it feels as if we are perpetually setting ourselves up for rejection and disappointment.

When is enough really enough? When do we loose the word when and replace it with if? These are questions that perplex us. As for today, we are putting one foot in front of another. We are continuing on this path marching to the beat of our own drum.

At present, we find great solace in the following statement. "We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world", Helen Keller (1880 - 1968).

Resetting our clock!

We are giving ourselves a new outlook with a revised calendar. Reflecting back, it took 7 months for our first unsuccessful match to occur. At this point, we are resetting our clock/calendar and starting over. This time around, the clock started officially ticking in August. That’s when everything got back on track and our adoption agency began showing our profile again. If you are counting… that puts us a little shy of waiting 3 months.

We have great faith in our adoption agency and all the staff working on our behalf. We spoke with our agency last week. They have 13 unmatched birthmothers living in agency housing. Hopefully, we will have a successful match soon.

The pages continue to turn...

October is a milestone month for us as we celebrate one year of waiting. It’s kind of a melancholy anniversary of sorts. We have officially spent the last 365 days on the sidelines watching the days unfold at a snail's pace. We feel like children waiting for Santa in July. This is the longest never ending wait!

A lot has happened but we have nothing to show for all our efforts. In spite of our two failed matches; we continue to go forward. We are sad for all that has occurred, but grateful for the life lessons we have learned along the way.

This journey has forced us to look at ourselves and our world in a completely new way. It has been a hard process but very worthwhile. We would never have come to our current realizations without our failures and lessons in grief.

Our adoption agency continues to work on our behalf. They continue to show our profile and search for a match. The agency is doing everything within their power to help us achieve our family goals.

Currently, 12 unmatched birthmothers are working with our adoption agency. We hope that one of these women will choose to work with us in the coming months.

Our child will come to us in time. It is hard to acknowledge, but we are not in control of the situation or outcome. We must continue to have faith in the process and faith in a divine plan.

It takes a great passion and much resilience to proceed on this path. We remind ourselves of Chuck Sigars words, “Calendars are for careful people, not for passionate ones.” Our passion is what keeps us going and time limits can not be imposed.

Birth Mothers

Yesterday we attended a fashion show and vendor fair sponsored by our adoption agency. Event proceeds will assist the Birth Parent Educational Fund. This special fund has granted over $50,000 in educational scholarships to Birth Parents that have placed a child through Family to Family Adoptions. Kudos to Jennifer O’Leary, LBSW for putting on a wonderful event!

Let me remind you that I (Brandon) was adopted at birth and as an adult found my Birth Mother. Because of this, supportive services for Birth Mothers are very important to me. With that being said... I have written some of my thoughts below regarding this matter.

Over the years I (Brandon) have worked with many Birth Mothers. I assisted other adult adoptees with searches after my reunion. During this time, I got to know many Birth Mothers and I found their stories to be fascinating.

Open adoptions were unheard of when I was adopted. I was brought up in an era of sealed records and minimal post adoptive services. In those years, Birth Mothers were told to forget about their babies and move forward with new lives. I found this to be tragic because a Birth Mother never stops caring about her child. The Birth Mothers I worked with always asked the same haunting questions, "Is my child alive and was my child loved."

Adoption has come a long way regarding the treatment of Birth Mothers. Still adoption agencies are not all created equal when it comes to this matter. It was important for us to find an adoption agency that could assist with our parenting goals and meet the needs of our potential Birth Mother. We wanted to find an agency that was concerned about our Birth Mother's long term emotional well being.

We feel fortunate to have found an agency that prides itself on caring for Birth Mothers. During pregnancy housing is provided for birth families, transportation is arranged, monetary assistance is given, educational opportunities are offered and licensed counseling is available. Post adoptive services include agency supported scholarships and lifelong emotional support.

My past experiences have given me an unusual perception in regards to my future child's adoption. I have witnessed the loss Birth Mothers experience and personally faced the complexity of being adopted. This is why I am committed to having an adopted family that includes our child's Birth Mother.

Jose and I clearly understand the task that has been given to us as we grow our family through adoption. We know we are not just randomly having a child enter our life but are participating with a Birth Family as a child develops and matures. A Birth Parent is an essential part of a child's life and an important part of our life together as an adoptive family. We look forward to including our child's Birth Parents in our expanding family.

Upcoming Adoption Agency Events

Family to Family Adoptions Inc.
Children's Fashion Show and Fair
When: Sunday March 1, 2009 at 1:00 PM
Where: Pecan Grove Plantation Country Club
3000 Plantation Dr, Richmond, TX 77469
RSVP: jennifer@fam2fam.org or call 281-342-4042
Tickets are $10.00 per person. This event features informal modeling of Kelly's Kids clothing. In addition, KidsPrints will be demonstrating memorization techniques for your child's hand or foot prints. Kids can enjoy balloon sculptures, face painting, cup cakes and costumed characters. Silent auction items will also be available. Come and enjoy the festivities, food and family fun!
Proceeds go to assist the Birth Parent Scholarship Fund.
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Family to Family Adoptions Inc.
Art Auction
When: Sunday April 19, 2009 from 2PM to 6PM
Where: Pecan Grove Plantation Country Club
3000 Plantation Dr, Richmond, TX 77469
RSVP: max@fam2fam.org or call 281-342-4042
You are cordially invited to attend an Art Auction by Perry Berns Gallery of Dallas, Texas. Perry Berns Gallery has pledged 25% of the event proceeds to be donated to Family to Family Adoptions which is a 501c3 non-profit. Wine and hors d'oeuvres served. Come enjoy this first time collaboration between Family to Family Adoptions and Perry Berns Gallery.
Proceeds go to assist the Birth Parent Scholarship Fund.

Our Adoption Agency

We feel very fortunate to have found a locale adoption agency that is willing to work with us. It is not easy finding an agency that excepts same sex applicants and truly understand the dynamics of non-traditional families. Our needs can be different from heterosexual couples and the legal aspect alone can be daunting.

Our agency's staff put us at ease from the beginning. They did not ask us to use forms geared to heterosexual couples. You know... Mother's Name / Father's Name or Husband / Wife. They had forms for us stating Parent One / Parent Two. This small gesture made us feel that our agency understood our goal and we fit into their mission.

Our adoption agency is small and has a wonderful track record with both traditional and non-traditional families. They work with a limited number of waiting adoptive families. The average wait time for an adoptive family is six months. This is the average but I have not met or talked with an adoptive family that has waited longer than 12 months. Our agency responds quickly to questions and keeps us in the information loop. Our social worker always responds to emails and phone calls within a couple of hours.

The latest technological advances will not be found on our adoption agency's website. This is not important to us. What we have found is a caring staff and involved social workers that understand the needs of their clients. Family to Family is truly dedicated to personalized service for all parties involved in the adoption process.