Dear Diary...

Entry #1 Friday, November 13, 2009 We met our Birthmother Friday, November 13, 2009. It was a short quick meeting at our adoption agency's office. The Agency's Director facilitated the meeting which took all of 20 minutes. We signed contracts and handled the formalities at hand. Afterwords, we drove Liza (our Birthmother) home.

Entry #2 Saturday, November 21, 2009 It was a date! We took Liza and Myles (her boyfriend) to dinner. We had a wonderful 3 hour meal at a local Italian restaurant. They were charming, graceful and funny. We felt at ease and comfortable with each other. Our discussion focused around music, special interests, favorite things, and future goals. We discussed our desire to have ongoing contact with them and our child's other siblings. It was a wonderful evening to remember.

Entry #3 Thursday, November 26, 2009 Happy Thanksgiving!!
We spoke to Liza over the Thanksgiving holiday. We made plans to get together in about a week. We'll see a movie or do something festive. Liza also invited us to her next doctor appoint on December 8th. Things are going well and we're due in 38 days!


Entry #4 Monday, November 30, 2009 Spoke with Liza via phone. She got back from her Thanksgiving get away and is getting settled back into her apartment. Made a date to get together this Saturday. She wants to get highlights in her hair. We also discussed going to a movie. Everything is going well. Today she is 35 weeks pregnant.

Entry #5 Saturday, December 5, 2009 Liza and I enjoyed the luxuries of a spa day while Jose' and Myles watched football. We ended the day with a meal at a local Vietnamese restaurant. All went well and we all enjoy our time together.

Entry #6 Tuesday, December 8, 2009 I attended Liza's doctor visit. She was officially 36 weeks and 1 day pregnant. We were surprised that she had dilated 3 centimeters. She is beginning to feel discomfort as the baby is in position. This baby will certainly deliver before the January 4th due date! We have another doctor appointment next Tuesday, if she does not deliver sooner. After the appointment, I took Liza to register at the hospital. We also did a little shopping and got a bite to eat. We had a lot of time to talk and bond with one another.

Entry #7 Sunday, December 13, 2009 Today, Jose and I spent some quality time with Liza. Since it is near Christmas, we found an outdoor holiday market complete with ice skaters, hot chocolate and vendor booths. We has a great day together and finished the evening off with a spicy Mexican meal.

Entry #8 Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I went with Liza to her weekly doctor's appointment. She is officially 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant. That is still 20 day from her delivery date. The doctor assured us that she will never make it to January 4th. He thinks we are going to have a Christmas baby. Oh my goodness... that is next week!

Entry #9 Saturday, December 19, 2009 Liza and I enjoyed another day of beauty. Her hair was colored and cut at a great little mini spa/salon. We both got manicures and pedicures. It was a wonderful day of bonding.

Jose and I also took Liza and Myles out for Mexican food. After dinner we surprised them with a Christmas tree, stockings and a some old fashion holiday cheer. They are both so sweet and appreciative. We truly hope they continue to stay close with us after the baby arrives.

Entry #10 Tuesday, December 22, 2009 Jose and I attended another doctors appoint. Ms. L is officially 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant. She is dilated to 4 centimeters and is having "mild" contractions. The doctor sent her home and scheduled her delivery on December 29th. The doctor stated, "I am scheduling her delivery but I will probably see her sooner." I think we are going to have a Christmas baby. Our social worker thinks we should name him Jesus. After the appointment we drove Liza and Myles to her Mother's home for Christmas. We also got to meet her Mom. Great day!

Entry #11 Friday, December 25, 2009 - Christmas Day Jose and I picked up Liza and Myles from her Mother's house. We spent the day together and enjoyed a home cooked meal at our house. We had a joyous time and special Christmas with our new family.

Entry # 12 Tuesday, December 29,2009 Liza's doctor is out of the country. She had a stress test and baby is doing well. Lots of movement in the womb! The nurse sent us home. So... no baby today. We tried to jump start things with a spicy meal after words and a walk around the Galleria. We will see what happens.

Entry#13 Wednesday, December 30, 2009 - 12:15 AM We just got a call from Liza. Looks like this is it! We are off to the hospital. We are praying for a safe delivery.

Entry #14 Wednesday, December 30,2009 - 9:51 AM Our little boy, Karlan Brase, has arrived. He weighed in at 6 lbs. 13 oz. and 18 in. long. Liza had a easy deliver and quick birth. Brase made it into the world with just one push!

Foot Note: We had daily contact with Liza in person and via phone. Jose and I feel fortunate to have found a wonderful birthmother. We cherish our relationship with her and Myles.

It's a boy!!!

It is a boy but this picture is not our son. Be patient, as photos of our little one will be posted soon!

Lift off!

We have a match!!!

If you're reading this... your actually weeks behind in "real time." We decided not to post the next 7+ blog entries until we were safe at home with our little one.

We officially matched on Friday, November 13, 2009. This was the day we met our Birthmother and signed the adoption plan. Her original due date was Monday, January 4, 2010. Well... that was the original due date but due dates are never exact!

Marching on...

Our adoption agency continues to encourage us through emails and conversations. They use phrases like, “It will happen soon” or “It will happen for you.” Regardless of these broad statements, we are disappointed and frustrated. Yes, once again we were not chosen.

We continue to repeat the words, “keep the faith.” This is a constant mantra in our life. We hear these 3 words in our heads and from everyone around us. Despite these positive thoughts, it feels as if we are perpetually setting ourselves up for rejection and disappointment.

When is enough really enough? When do we loose the word when and replace it with if? These are questions that perplex us. As for today, we are putting one foot in front of another. We are continuing on this path marching to the beat of our own drum.

At present, we find great solace in the following statement. "We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world", Helen Keller (1880 - 1968).

Racing for a match!

The race has begun once again! We feel as if the starting line gun shot has gone off and we are racing for a win. Our adoption agency’s Director informed us, on Friday, that our profile is once again being shared with a potential birthmother. We hope that we make it to the finish line as the winners of this match.

Resetting our clock!

We are giving ourselves a new outlook with a revised calendar. Reflecting back, it took 7 months for our first unsuccessful match to occur. At this point, we are resetting our clock/calendar and starting over. This time around, the clock started officially ticking in August. That’s when everything got back on track and our adoption agency began showing our profile again. If you are counting… that puts us a little shy of waiting 3 months.

We have great faith in our adoption agency and all the staff working on our behalf. We spoke with our agency last week. They have 13 unmatched birthmothers living in agency housing. Hopefully, we will have a successful match soon.

Life Lesson

Tina Berry’s voice resonates from the television, "Look at this little Hispanic beauty… she's gorgeous with her olive skin and big amber eyes! If you're joining us for the first time it's our Baby Hour.” Tina quietly whispers, cuddles the baby girl and states, “You could name her Josephina or whatever your heart desires.” Barbara Marville’s voice interjects from beyond the camera, “Next up we have Caucasian boys with blonde hair and blue eyes.” The crescendo of Barbara's voice increases as she says, “This is the perfect addition for the all American family! Remember they're drug free newborns… quantities are limited.”

Looking back… I could have been watching a surreal scene from the Home Shopping Network. In hindsight, it was more like ordering a child or sofa online from Pottery Barn. Check all boxes that apply: African American, down stuffed, Biracial, foam wrapped, Native American, tufted back, drug free, French mahogany finish, male, female, and the list goes on. Looking back, I am amazed by the process and our thought process.

In the beginning… we thought intently about our life, surrounding community, friends and family. Thoughtfully considering, how we could support our future child’s mind, body and spirit. Books were read, doctors were consulted, demographics reviewed. In the end … data gathered swayed us to select a narrow group of children that would meet our family’s needs.

Life experiences are the true catalyst of change. They make you look at yourself and everyone around you in a different way. These experiences make it possible to see the world clearer and from a higher place you have never been before.

During our first match/failed placement it was realized that our child’s ethnicity could not be clearly defined until birth. It was also known that no prenatal care had been provided until the 8th month of pregnancy. As we became more acquainted with our birthmother; it was evident that her social and medical history was incomplete and inaccurate. We slowly learned that we would never know the facts from the past or the mental and health liabilities that lie ahead. Revelations unfolded and we accepted all possibilities and complications. Each time taking a huge step and letting faith guide us on our path.

Then she was born! She could have been green with purple stripes. It did not matter as she was ours. She could have had a cleft lip or club feet. We would not have cared because she was ours. We counted ten little finger and ten tiny toes. We had never looked at something so beautiful or with such pride. She was perfect and she was ours.

We all know how this story ended, but she was ours for a short while. She taught us a great deal during our brief time together. We learned how to love unconditionally and love without limits. When we gazed into her eyes all our fears disappeared. Our love for her transcended all concerns. We focused only on the present and knew we could handle whatever the future presented. She was ours and will always remain as our child in our hearts.

Our loss and failed placement taught us many things. We now know picking and choosing is a burdensome task. We understand that this is not our role. Our capacity to parent is not built around matching criteria but our ability to unconditionally love. At this point, all our boxes are checked and our only desire is to parent. We will be happy and content to receive whatever child God provides. What a great life lesson we have learned. Through the eyes of a child our world was forever changed.

The pages continue to turn...

October is a milestone month for us as we celebrate one year of waiting. It’s kind of a melancholy anniversary of sorts. We have officially spent the last 365 days on the sidelines watching the days unfold at a snail's pace. We feel like children waiting for Santa in July. This is the longest never ending wait!

A lot has happened but we have nothing to show for all our efforts. In spite of our two failed matches; we continue to go forward. We are sad for all that has occurred, but grateful for the life lessons we have learned along the way.

This journey has forced us to look at ourselves and our world in a completely new way. It has been a hard process but very worthwhile. We would never have come to our current realizations without our failures and lessons in grief.

Our adoption agency continues to work on our behalf. They continue to show our profile and search for a match. The agency is doing everything within their power to help us achieve our family goals.

Currently, 12 unmatched birthmothers are working with our adoption agency. We hope that one of these women will choose to work with us in the coming months.

Our child will come to us in time. It is hard to acknowledge, but we are not in control of the situation or outcome. We must continue to have faith in the process and faith in a divine plan.

It takes a great passion and much resilience to proceed on this path. We remind ourselves of Chuck Sigars words, “Calendars are for careful people, not for passionate ones.” Our passion is what keeps us going and time limits can not be imposed.

Hold on tight!!

I am on a never ending roller coaster ride. My stomach turns and twists, my adrenalin skyrockets while ten different emotions overwhelm me at the same time. I am not a fan of roller coasters! Some days I would like to stop, get off and never look back. I would like to stop but I can’t.

I feel this great passion and need to continue on with our adoption plan. Tears have been shed and frustrations have been expressed throughout the process. I pray these feeling subside but without them I would not continue. The reality is… without these emotions I would stop and turn my back on the entire adoption process. My emotions keep this passion burning in me and make me realize that I need to continue regardless of how much it hurts. No words of wisdom will make me feel better and no prayers will bring me peace. The only way I will find serenity is to complete the adoption.

I long for the life I had before adoption applications, home studies and birthmothers. A life that was fun, spontaneous and full of joy. To my astonishment that past life does not exist anymore. Even if I could go back, that life would be impossible to find. My destiny lays head of me with tears, emotions and the hope of adopting a child.

Our profile was shown twice and rejected twice last week. Jose and I will continue to push ahead until we find our match. We must find our match! That is the only way the tears, fears and emotions will vanish.

In the works of George Mathew Adams, “In this life we get only those things for which we hunt, for which we strive and for which we are willing to sacrifice.”

Agency developments and other news...

This week we communicated with our adoption agency’s Director and Social Worker. The good news is... 4 birthmothers that are signed on with our agency may “potentially match” with our criteria. Adoption profiles will be shared with these women in the coming weeks/months. This is encouraging for us as we wait for our 3rd match.

On another note, this summer has been an adventure. The months of June, July and August have been quiet and spent in self imposed seclusion. It’s been a time of reflection and self analysis about our current life and future goals. This period has been difficult but looking back one of great enlightenment.

This process has changed us and brought us to a very different outlook regarding our adoption goals and future family. We have been forced to look closely at ourselves and the people surrounding us. Our daily routine may have not wavered but our way of thinking has greatly shifted. We consider this change wonderful but the process has been unsettling.

I want to thank everyone that has allowed us to grieve on our own terms. Your quite sideline support has been essential for us to heal. Your kind words and thoughtfulness have gotten us through this experience. Thank you for giving us space.

As for our future…we are not giving up!!! We will continue to wait patiently and sometimes impatiently.

Chutes & Ladders (adoption version)

At present we feel like we are playing Chutes & Ladders. We advance 3 steps forward and find the path puts us 5 steps behind our originally location.

In spite of our last post, it seems our adoption profile was recently shared with a potential birthmother. We were not chosen. The word frustrated best describes our feeling, at this point. All we can do is look ahead to the next time our adoption agency shares our profile.

Below is our score card:
# of times Adoption Profile viewed: 5
# of times not chosen: 3
# of times matched w/birthmothers: 2
# of failed matches (birthmothers chose to parent): 2
# of months/days as a waiting adoptive family: 9 months & 10 days

Now what??

Things seem to be at a stand still. Our adoption profile is not being shown. This is a complicated matter related to birthmother housing and our last two matches. It is our hope that by September our profile will be presented to potential birthmothers. We are waiting to see what transpires later in the fall.

We have no happy events to report as we wait in limbo. We are desperately trying to find some joy in all that has happened and what lies ahead for us. Some days are good but some days are a great struggle. Our friend Karla has reminded us, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain!"

The last few weeks

Last week we experienced another loss with the disappearance of our second birthmother. We are not devastated by this latest event but feel exhausted from all the activities and emotions that have taken place over the last 6 weeks. During this short period we were matched with two birthmothers and experience the birth of a child. These weeks were full of doctor appointments, Sunday Masses, meals, shopping trips, study nights, late night telephone calls and stories of lives filled with turmoil and confusion.

Our last match did not work but we are grateful this birthmother decided early on that she would be unable to relinquish her child. The reality is we only knew birthmother #2 for 2 weeks. We are glad this relationship ended before we had time to bond with her and the baby.

Jose and I harbor no ill will and hope these young women find happiness and peace. Each of them made lasting impressions on us. We know the time we shared with them will be reflected on for years to come. We also know they too will remember us. As for the child we held and loved… we pray that God watches over her.

This part of our journey did not end the way we would have like. At times it has consisted of overwhelming emotion and emptiness. This portion of our trip has been extremely hard but it has made us stronger individuals and closer as a couple.

This is not over and with perseverance we will grow our family through adoption.

The matching process...

The journey of adoption is a long road with many twists and turns along the way. During the process you question your thoughts and motives, look closely at your prejudices and evaluate your belief systems. The entire process gives you an in dept look at your personality and the life you have made for yourself. You do all of this because of the monumental task that you are committing to undertake.

In my view, adoption is much harder than simply getting pregnant. You are required to consult with others about your qualifications. You present your past and current life for complete review. Money is also factored into this equation at all levels. This is not a situation of letting nature take its' course.

After looking at your life, you then decide what you are willing to accept. In the arena of Adoption this is called Matching Criteria. Do you want a boy or girl? Can you raise a Caucasian child, Hispanic child, African American child, Asian child, or any fraction in between? How will your child fit into the life you have built? Then you consider your potential Birth Mother. Does she smoke? Does she take drugs or has she ever taken drugs? Does she have a physical or mental condition? The bottom line to this myriad of questions is... HONESTY. What are you willing to accept? It is a process of taking a good hard honest look at yourself, your values and all the people that surround you. This is a life long decision that you must consider from every angle. All this is ultimately done for one reason... the life of a child and giving that child every advantage going forward.

I wish people understood the true complexity of the matter at hand. The road of adoption is a long hard road of thought provoking self analysis. In addition, no guarantees of actually having a child are ever made by adoption agencies. The only promise that is given is waiting for your match. Potential adoptive parents need to have virtues of patience and hope. These two virtues ultimately get them through day to day life. Hope and patience are what Jose' and I yearn for, at present. We believe that the reality of adoption will happen for our family. As for now... we wait for our criteria to match.